The Safest Place is Inside Oneself: A Story of Severus Snape
by you-cannot-define-me
Summary: Severus Snape is strangely incapable of getting any work done or papers graded, so he goes for a walk on a frigid day at Hogwarts. Unable to discover the reason for his sluggishness, he finds himself remembering things he hasn't thought about in years.
1. Chapter One: Reminiscing

**Chapter One: Reminiscing**

Frost crept up the cold stone, unnoticeable in the dim light. The whole room was dim, in fact, as its only light emanated from a struggling fire. Though small, the feeble flames sent tongues of warmth into the dungeon, just far enough to make conditions tolerable for the man sitting nearby. They did not reach the icy patterns that winter was tracing onto the wall.

With a shiver, the man rose from his seat and placed several papers on his desk. As yet, they were untouched. He had made no progress. This fact nettled him, because he was normally rather efficient when it came to grading, and there was no apparent reason for the delay.

 _Really, what's gotten into me? Here I am, putting off work as though I was one of the idiots I have to teach_. After a moment of thought, he realized this had never happened to him before. _That only makes this whole situation more confusing. What's_ _causing this unusual sluggishness?_

There was no point in trying to convince himself that it was due to the cold--he had experienced much worse before--and after what must have been another half hour of simply standing in puzzlement, Severus Snape decided that action was in order. Wrapping himself in a cloak, he strode through the castle and out onto the grounds, which were covered by a magnificent coating of as yet unmarred snow.

The sheer frigidity of the air was somewhat of a shock to Snape's system. Though his quarters could hardly be described as warm, they apparently held off some of the biting cold. But it was too late to abandon the walk, and so he continued slowly making his way through the snow, not quite sure of where he was going.

 _As a matter of fact_ , he thought, _this whole day has been somewhat of a blur. What exactly have I been doing for the past several hours, aside from sitting uselessly in my quarters?_

Try as he might to recall it, the answer ecaped him, and his head was beginning to hurt. Snape was forced to admit defeat--temporarily, of course, for losing was distasteful, even against himself, and he wanted it rectified as soon as possible.

Only once he stopped thinking did Snape realize how silent it was. The crunch of snow under his freezing feet was the only sound that broke the absolute stillness. The prospect of total quiet was a welcome one for him; Snape was all too used to the constant ruckus produced by his Potions students. _Dimwits, the lot of them_.

Snape gingerly brushed the snow off of a boulder near him and sat down. Without his footsteps, it was completely silent. He noticed his breathing, expelling puffs of cloud into the clear air, was coming rather heavily, and again he did not know why. He chose to ignore it, instead looking around him at the glittering scenery.

 _Was it ever this beautiful at home?_ The unwelcome thought surprised Snape. Why ruin things by thinking of home? But strangely, he found that he was not bothered by the subject as he usually was. Today was certainly an abnormal day. Snape settled on the answer that no, it had never been quite this lovely at Spinner's End.

 _The only time it might have come close was that January morning._ Snape found himself thinking of it without any pain, and he allowed the well-buried memories of that day to uncover themselves.

•••••

He woke up early that day, the cold jostling him to alertness even through his blanket. Severus wondered what time it was.

When he peered through the frost-coated window and saw that the sun had still not risen, Severus sat down on his cot again and endeavored to fall back asleep. He knew it was pointless. The same thing had happened yesterday, and as a matter of fact, the past few days before that, too.

Last night had been a particularly rough one. His father had banged open the door at nearly one in the morning, covered in snow and completely drunk. Severus had been in the kitchen.

His mother tried to shepherd Tobias inside, but he was having none of it, slamming her against the wall with his arm. _"Where's my boy?!"_ he screamed, irate. _"He needs t' learn how t' take the cold like a man!"_

Severus rose, trembling, from his seat by the stove. He'd been trying to warm himself for the past hour, but his feeble frame couldn't hold any heat. As soon as he stood, he began to shiver violently. It was partly out of fear. He hoped his father wouldn't notice.

When Tobias spied him coming out of the kitchen, he stormed toward Severus and grabbed him roughly by the wrist. "Think the stove's a good way to keep warm, boy? That's whatcha been doin', ain't it?" His voice set alarm bells ringing in Severus's mind, but he had no choice but to answer honestly.

"Y-yes...sir..." he stammered. Cursing his inability to speak clearly, he braced himself for the blow.

Toby whipped his left hand around and slammed it into Severus's stomach. "That's whatcha get fer actin' like a weaklin'! I ain't havin' no son o' mine be a sissy! Bad enough ya got t' have a name like Sev'rus, now yer all atremble like a leaf in th' wind. I'll show ya how t' be a man!"

He dragged the terrified Severus outside and threw him into the snow. "Now ye'll stay there 'till I see fit t' letcha in! If I find ye've moved, there's a beatin' in store fer ya, boy!" Tobias glared at his son and slammed the door.

Already, Severus's thin body was wracked with the cold. He wondered how long his father planned to leave him out here, and compared that to how long he thought he could survive. He was unsure of which was longer.

The walls of his house were thin enough to let the sounds produced inside reach Severus, and so he listened with a strange detachment to his mother's pleas to "let the poor child back inside! He can hardly manage to stay warm in the house--you're giving your son a death sentence, Toby!" He also heard her screams as his father beat her so that she "wouldn't int'rfere with a man's job!" Severus thought he would be happy to be a woman if he could avoid the man's jobs his father talked about. They were never pleasant.

As his arms and legs began to grow numb, Severus counted the windows on all the houses he could see. There weren't many; the night was dark. Then he counted the footprints in the snow near him, which kept his mind working for a while. Then his thoughts began to slow. He was very tired.

He was unaware of when it happened, but Severus realized that the screaming and thudding had stopped. His father must have passed out or fallen asleep, and that meant...he was reluctant to get his hopes up, but maybe his mother would be coming out soon. _How long is "soon"?_ he wondered. He didn't know.

Severus struggled to stay awake, counting the times he blinked, losing count, and starting over in an effort to keep his mind active. Some part of him knew that he could not fall asleep. But the world was so dark and still, and sleep so enticing and warm, that Severus was fast losing his fight against the cold.

Suddenly, a slender ray of yellow light peeked through the door of his house and onto the snow. Severus vaguely registered his mother lifting him from the snow. Was she crying? She was warm.

Then he was inside--his room, it must be--and she was holding him tightly, rocking back and forth and whispering to him. Severus's brain began to thaw.

He asked her how long he was outside. Two and a half hours, she said, and he noticed she was, in fact, crying. He tried to apologize for making her cry, but it apparently was the wrong thing to say because she only started crying more. Severus hugged her tightly and hoped he could make things better. He had never managed to before.

"I thought I had lost you," his mother said softly. "My precious Severus, I thought you were gone..." Severus realized that he very nearly had been.

Then she had left him and had gone to bed, so he had wrapped himself in his blanket and managed to fall asleep.

 _That was last night_. Severus noticed that he was shaking at the recollection. Somehow, the morning made the ordeal of last night seem more real, more dangerous than it had seemed at the time. _I very nearly died,_ he thought, _I was at death's door. Have I ever been that close before?_ He had not. _Maybe I should have taken the chance when I had it. It wouldn't have been very painful._ But then Severus thought of his mother and how she had been crying for him, for fear of losing him, and he forgave himself the lost opportunity. It would have been painful for his mother, after all, and he didn't want to hurt her.

Severus noticed that the sun had begun peeking through his window. He straightened up his room, tried to neaten his clothes a bit, and snuck down the stairs into the kitchen. They were almost out of food, so he restrained himself to one piece of bread and, after considering it briefly, an apple. He owed himself the treat, he thought--it was his birthday, after all.

It was also the day that he would meet with Lily. The thought put a smile on his face. Severus wondered if she knew it was his birthday, or how old he was. He resolved not to be disappointed if she didn't, even though he'd known both her birthday and her age for a while. He'd learned long ago not to expect people to remember things about him--any good things, that is. People had a peculiar way of remembering the worst about him. Severus tried not to mind it much, and he was getting better at not caring.

He ate breakfast hurriedly, the thought of meeting Lily putting an excited urgency into his morning. But as he dashed out the door, he was reminded of how bitterly cold it was. Severus stopped abruptly. Perhaps it was too cold. _She might just stay inside today._ His pace slowed at that, and he was a little more subdued. _It's not wise to get my hopes up like this. I should be more careful._ Nevertheless, Severus hoped fervently that Lily would brave the cold temperatures to come meet him anyway; their meeting was going to be his only birthday present.

His heart pounded as he neared the tree, their standard meeting place. He saw no one there. No footprints leading to it. _It's a wide tree; maybe she's on the other side and I just can't see her yet!_ But as Severus reached it, his heart sank. Lily wasn't there.

Feebly he tried to encourage himself, thinking _, Well, maybe she is coming, just a bit later. Maybe she's on her way now._ But the words sounded empty to him. _Stupid, stupid Severus!_ he berated himself, struggling not to cry. How could he have been so foolish?

Then someone coughed behind him.


	2. Chapter Two: Was It A Happy Birthday?

**Chapter Two:** **Was It A Happy Birthday?**

Severus whirled around, mortified that someone might have seen him upset. His face flushed when he saw that Lily was the one who had startled him so. _Brilliant, Severus. You really are a first-rate idiot. Now she'll know you were crying because she was late._

"Good...m-morning!" he said, trying to pretend that nothing had been the matter, but his voice quivered and betrayed him.

"Well, I thought it was a good morning, but you're upset about something, so it must not have been. Are you alright?"

Years upon years of experience necessitated that Severus respond with "Of course I'm alright. Nothing's the matter. How are you?" He quickly glanced away, however, since Lily's expression clearly told him that she saw straight through his lie.

"Sev, something's happened. You know it, and I know it, so there's no sense in trying to hide it. You were crying. Why?"

Severus turned his head away, extremely uncomfortable and embarrassed. He was silent.

"Sev! Don't you trust me at all?" The hurt in Lily's voice was what finally moved him to speak.

"I...thought that y-you...weren't coming today and...I had been really looking forward to it, you see..." Severus looked ashamedly at the ground.

He stiffened as unexpected arms wrapped around him, and he realized that Lily was hugging him. She was very warm.

"Well, I'm here now, so it's alright. I'm sorry I was late. I didn't mean to hurt you, I just had to grab something." She looked him in the eyes. "It is your birthday, after all."

Something about her eyes got to Severus every time he looked into them. They were so tender, so kind...he realized his own eyes were watering again. _She remembered my birthday._ He was glad she had turned to get something from the ground behind her, because it gave him time to wipe his eyes before she could notice.

She, of course, turned back to face him at that exact moment. Concern spread across her face and she dropped the bright red package she had just picked up.

"Sev! Sev, are you ok? No, that's a silly question. You never get this upset, you're obviously not ok. Did something happen yesterday?" Severus continued to cry, staring at the ground and wishing that he could freeze the tears before they reached his eyes and ruined his day even more.

"Here, Sev, let's go to my house. I'll make you some tea and warm you up, and then you can talk to me about it." Gently she took his hand, but he winced nevertheless. It had bruised where his father had grabbed him.

Lily noticed this, and more concerned than ever, she scooped up the package and led him down the road. Only after they were nearly there did Severus realize that Lily's sister hated him and would likely harass them both.

"Lily, are you sure this is alright?" he asked hesitantly. "Petunia and I don't get along, if you recall..."

Lily giggled, then caught herself and responded apologetically, "I do remember that. She's not home--no one is, actually, which is why I could come meet you." After a moment, she added, "But your stutter has gone away for now. That's a good sign." Severus looked away. He hadn't noticed.

As soon as the two of them stepped inside, Severus was enveloped in warmth. Heating! Lily's house had heating. He'd forgotten, but he was immensely grateful.

In a matter of minutes, he was even warmer, holding a cup of piping hot tea between his hands. Lily sat down next to him.

"So," she began, "something has happened."

Severus was silent.

"You're not going to say anything?" she asked, a bit of irritation creeping into her voice. "Look, what's staying silent going to do for you? It only makes it harder to cope."

 _You have no idea,_ thought Severus, _and I'm happy about that because I wouldn't want you to ever experience what I have to. But you really don't understand._ "I really don't want to talk about it," he said, hoping that Lily would drop it. She didn't, which he expected.

"Of course you don't! You never do! I always have to pull things out of you. I don't think you've ever told me anything just because you wanted to!"

"That's not...true!" Severus protested. "We would...never have met if...that was the case!"

"Fine! Then why do you refuse to share anything else with me? Why is it always such a battle to get to know you?" Lily was fuming, and Severus listened helplessly, wondering how he'd ruined things so completely. Lily kept yelling. "Why do you have so many secrets?"

This last question got a response. "Secrets? You think I'm keeping secrets from you? I'm protecting you from the truth! Because the truth hurts!"

Lily stood up, slamming her hands onto the countertop. "What makes you think you have the right to decide what I can or can't handle?" she yelled, infuriated. "And here I thought that age brought wisdom. Obviously not!"

Severus stood too. "I wish I hadn't come today. Thanks for spoiling my birthday!"

Lily's eyes, those trusted eyes, shot daggers at him. "And I even went to all the trouble of getting you a present. I guess you think you're too good for it, though!"

He froze, his back towards Lily on his way out. "You...what?"

"I got you a present, you arrogant toerag! What do you think that package was? I was going to give it to you once you'd calmed down!" Lily's arms were crossed, and Severus could sense her anger slowly dissappating. He relented.

"I'm sorry, Lily. I didn't mean it. I did want to come today, I just didn't want to fight." He searched her eyes for a sign of forgiveness.

Lily withheld it for a moment. "Then why won't you tell me what's going on that's got you this way?"

Severus took a breath, looking for the right words. "It's because...I can't bear to see you get hurt, Lily. You're my...only friend and...I care about you. To...know that I caused...you pain would..." He stopped, emotions flooding over him, the words vanishing and his stutter returning. _Why can't I do anything right? I can't even talk properly, much less avoid hurting my friend!_ Humiliated, he stared out the window at the snow.

"Sev..." It seemed Lily was struggling for words as well, a small comfort. "I'm sorry, Sev. I can never seem to understand you...all I wanted was to feel like you trusted me. But here I've gone and ruined things, made you feel bad and spoiled your birthday..." Lily sniffled, and Severus looked at her, alarmed.

"No, Lily, I--"

"Sev, it's not your fault I'm crying, alright?" She wiped her face. "I'm sad that I've hurt you. That's all."

Severus resolved to be less easily hurt.

"Here. I've got your present--it's not much, but I hope you like it! Let's go outside, it'll be better out there." The two of them stepped out, into the cold, but the freezing temperatures somehow seemed a little more bearable to Severus.

Lily turned and handed him the red package she'd been carrying. "Happy Birthday, Sev!" She put on a smile, but Severus could tell she was still upset by what had happened inside. _Come on, Severus, she's kind enough to give you a birthday present. Can't you give her something in return?_ Reluctantly, he resolved to tell her about the previous night.

"Lily...I..." he began. "Er..." Yet again, Severus was searching for words that seemed perpetually to avoid him. He anticipated Lily's interruption, but none came.

After a considerable time, Lily said softly, "I'm listening, Sev." She looked at him, not expecting anything, but simply content to have him there.

He finally broke. "My father left me...outside yesterday...for a long...time," he choked. _Stop it, you blubbering idiot! Don't start crying again! You're too soft!_ He looked at Lily, expecting irritaion, but finding what he hadn't dared hope for: concern. She really cared. And she was waiting for him to continue.

"I...it was a really...close call, actually. T-two...and a half hours...last night." Severus was shaking.

Lily was standing agape, shocked at what she was hearing. "Sev..." Then, throwing any reservations to the wind, she ran and threw her arms around him. "I'm so sorry, Sev!" But instead of starting to cry herself, she simply held the trembling boy and comforted him.

After Severus had regained his composure, Lily withdrew and gave him a soft smile. "Now before it gets late and I have to go, open your present." Truth be told, due to his emotional outburst, Severus had nearly forgotten that Lily had given him something. It was simply so unsual for him to receive a gift on his birthday.

"Oh, right," he said, grinning abashedly. "Where..." He looked around, confused. "Where is it?"

Lily started laughing. Pointing to him, she giggled, "You're holding it, silly!" Severus blushed and gingerly peeled back the wrapping paper to reveal a plain cardboard box.

He gasped in delight as he realized that a small scarf was nestled inside. "Thank you, Lily!" he cried gleefully, "Thank you so much!" This time it was Severus who hugged Lily, ecstatic that she would care enough to give him such a practical gift.

"Happy Birthday, Sev," Lily murmured. "I hope that's what it was." He nodded, smiling.

Something caught Lily's eye then, and she looked over Severus's shoulder. "Hey, Sev, look!" He twirled around, and saw the snow suspended in the air, catching the light of the sun and sparkling brilliantly.

"It's not snowing," Lily whispered. "You're keeping it there!" Severus stood perfectly still, amazed, and not wanting to ruin the moment. Slowly the snow began to lower to the ground.

"That's amazing!" Lily gasped. "How did you do that?" Severus laughed quietly, and did not see Lily's face light up even more at hearing him laugh.

"I'm not sure. I suppose it's just because I've had a very happy birthday." They beamed at each other.

"I meant to make you a cake, but I ran out of time," Lily admitted. "I hope you don't mind."

"Of course I don't mind," said Severus, "I'd be silly if I minded." That, he noted with pleasure, made Lily's radiant smile even wider. Then she told him she had to be going.

"I'm glad we got through everything earlier, Sev. Tell me if anything else like that happens, alright?" Hestitantly, he nodded, and she threw him a parting smile before dashing home. Her final call of "Happy Birthday!" echoed back to him over the snow.

•••••

Snape was jostled awake by a rough hand and a panicked voice. "Lad! Can ya hear me? Lad!" Dimly Snape registered that such a loud yell must belong to Hagrid. He tried to respond, but found he couldn't speak.

He drifted back to sleep.


	3. Chapter Three: Time and Time Again

**Chapter Three: Time and Time Again**

Cold being so often an adjective used to describe him, Severus was hardly surprised when a variation of his much-hated nickname turned up along the same theme.

"Hey, Shiverus! Still too scrawny to hold any heat, eh?" The voice was a familiar one, and a well-despised one at that.

"Ah, it seems I am to be blessed with the company of my two most steadfast detractors. Couldn't come up with anything more original to celebrate the occasion, I see."

A confused look sprang onto James Potter's face. "Occasion? Which one?"

"The day I finally rid myself of your incessant badgering," snarled Severus, almost daring Potter to hex him.

"What, have you got a new trick up your sleeve? Must be easy to fit, your arms being as skinny as they are! You're practically swimming in your robes!" sneered Sirius Black, walking up behind Potter.

"The pinnacle of humor, Black: mock someone's appearance when their mental capacities exceed your own by too great a distance to ridicule them without insulting yourself." Severus waited for this to sink in, but the expression on Black's face when it finally did was priceless. "I see by your ire that my statement was correct. By the way, your laughable attempt at a jibe was hardly coherent-as you're by no means lacking in practice, I must attribute this to a lacking of certain, ahem, other faculties." Pointedly, Severus tapped his forehead and looked condescendingly at the infuriated Gryffindors in front of him.

Potter shot a murderous glare at Severus, turning to Black and muttering something under his breath. _Probably another plot to ambush me and string me up in front of the school._ "Shall I leave, then, and let the two of you get back to discussing these...sensitive matters?"

Black smiled maliciously. "Oh no, Shiverus, this is something your presence is definitely needed for." Severus guessed that correcting Black's dangling participle would not be the smartest move, and instead slipped his wand into his hand, keeping it for the moment concealed by his sleeve.

Black's cry of " _Petrificus Totalus!_ " did not surprise Severus in the least, and he easily evaded the spell. The initiation of the fight now rested squarely in his opponent's camp, so he was free to unleash some hexes of his own.

But he didn't get the chance. Potter had stepped behind him and shot off an exaggeratedly loud " _Expelliarmus!_ ", and Severus whirled around to defend himself, but Black used that opportunity to try his curse again. Another shout from Black and Severus was on the ground, unable to move.

He did his best to hide his rapidly mounting fear from his assailants, and tried to keep what he hoped was a defiant glint in his eyes as they approached. "Scared, Shiverus? Good, you should be." _It's no use, they can see right through me,_ he thought, and his pulse began to pound in his ears.

"You know, Prongs," leered Black, "it's a pretty frigid day outside. Let's drag Shiverus to a nice, secluded spot and see how long he lasts before the cold keeps him Petrified for us." Severus's heart missed a beat.

"Oh, that's so boring, Padfoot, I'm sure there's something more inventive we can do! Say, there's a nice spot on the Quidditch field that I always felt was lacking a little...decoration. How about we strip him and leave him there until the match at five?" Black grinned at the suggestion.

"Even better since today's Gryffindor and Slytherin. Just wait until the fans get an eyeful of him!"

Severus remembered that it was only four o'clock. That meant at least an hour that he'd be on the Quidditch field, utterly exposed to the elements. He was unsure he could endure that. _This can't be happening. There has to be some way out! Think, Severus, think...!_ But there was nothing he could do. Totally immobile, flat on the ground, he was truly at the mercy of his tormentors, and he was certain that mercy was not something they possessed.

Then someone began shouting. As the sound got closer, Severus managed to see that it was Lupin who was running up. Lupin, the prefect. Lupin, the werewolf, who also happened to be a friend of Severus's captors.

"What's going on here?" demanded Lupin, giving Severus a disapproving once-over before turning to glare at Black and Potter.

"Just a bit of fun, Moony, that's all," Black drawled. "We've got a surprise planned for the Quidditch game, and Shiverus here is gonna help us out with that."

As Lupin looked at Severus again, Severus let the fear he was feeling show in his eyes. _Help me!_ he thought, and he would have screamed it if he could. Thankfully, Lupin seemed to notice his efforts, because he addressed his friends with an authoritative tone. "I can't allow that. It's almost time for the game, anyway, so let's come along." Both other Gryffindors gaped at Lupin for saying this, almost as if it was some sort of heresy.

"Oh, come on, Moony!" whimpered Potter. "Ever since you've been a Prefect you're always stopping our fun. What's gotten into you?"

"What's gotten into you, more like, endangering a student like this," snapped Lupin. "I don't know how I ever went along with you before. Now get a move on, or I'll take some points from Gryffindor!" Black turned and stalked off, but as James left, he threw a triumphant glance over his shoulder at Severus. Lupin had neglected to set him free.

Then the wind began to pick up. _Well, I suppose it could have been worse,_ thought Severus angrily, as his hair blew into his face, _but that bastard Lupin knew, he knew I was still Petrified! And he just walked off, with the lot of them! Scum. Worse than scum is what they are._ Severus began to shiver. It was starkly empty in the courtyard, and he wondered why nobody had happened to wander by. _Surely someone is going to come this way soon. It's usually fairly busy here._ Then he recalled the Quidditch game.

 _Everyone's gone to watch the game. There won't be anyone coming this way for another few hours, at best._ Severus felt like he was being crushed with hopelessness. _Is this it, then? Am I going to die? Or maybe I'll just lose my extremities to frostbite. I'll hardly be uglier then than now._ As if to underscore his point, it began to snow.

Laying on the ground, alone in the courtyard, Severus was battered by gusts of wind that ripped through his clothes and stole any semblance of warmth his thin body may have produced. The snow continued to fall, albeit slowly. It could hardly have been ten minutes and his hands were already losing feeling.

 _Curse those arrogant, idiot Gryffindors! Supposed to be brave, but they have to paralyze me before they're willing to fight,_ Severus raved inwardly, hoping his anger would help keep him going. _Ha! I could beat those useless fools with my eyes closed!_

 _Then why didn't I?_ The unbidden thought brought his inner tirade to a screeching halt.

 _Actually, if I'm so much stronger than them, so much better than them, why do I always end up like this?_ Severus had no answer.

 _Aren't I supposed to be smart? Aren't I more skilled than them at Potions, at spells and at hexes? I should have everything to my advantage. Why is it always me that loses?_

 _Maybe they're some kind of higher caliber...but no, that can't be true. Being pureblooded doesn't make a difference. My grades could show you that. Then..._

 _Maybe I'm just too weak._

 _They always come at me at least two-on-one. I'm strong enough to beat one of them, and they know it. They have to outnumber me to get an advantage, because I..._

 _I'm...always alone._ Severus felt a stab of pain through his stomach at the thought. It distracted him from his aching limbs.

 _I have to get stronger than both of them. I have to be able to take on anyone on my own. I can't rely on other people; I've been shown time and time again that when it comes to it, there's no one by my side._

 _I have to get stronger..._

Severus was beginning to have trouble seeing when the sound of crunching snow shook him awake a little more. _What...is someone coming?_ Then he saw the familiar red hair, and the green eyes brimming with angry tears.

"Sev! Oh my...I can't believe they've done this to you! Sev!" cried Lily, frantically brushing the snow off of Severus's motionless body. " _Finite Incantanem!_ "

She scooped her arms under him and lifted him up. "How long have you been out here?" He shook his head.

"I... don't know...long time," he slurred, unable to speak clearly. "Thought...was gonna...be the end..."

Then he couldn't see anything.

Severus woke up in a rather comforatble bed, and a very warm one indeed. It took him a moment to realize that Madam Pomfrey was sitting next to him.

"Ah, I see you've woken up, Severus. How are you feeling?" she asked softly.

"I...alright, I suppose. What exactly happened? How did I...I don't recall..." He trailed off.

"Wondering how you got here? I wouldn't expext you to remember. You were in a bad way yesterday, my boy, a bad way. Unconscious from the cold. Then Professor McGonagall brought you in here, and was she fuming! Worried sick over you and yelling all the while about how those two tramps, Black and Potter, had taken it too far." Madam Pomfrey smiled at the recollection, but Severus was confused.

"Professor McGonagall brought me here?"

"Yes, that's what I said," answered Madam Pomfrey, puzzled. "Why do you ask?"

"I thought...Lily..." Nothing made sense. _Didn't Lily find me yesterday?_ Madam Pomfrey's response came through in a blur. "No, Severus, Lily was watching the Quidditch game. Cheering heartily for Gryffindor, I might add! That one was never lacking in spirit. It was a lucky break that Professor McGonagall caught wind of Sirius Black complaining that someone had spoiled their 'plans'. She managed to get it out of him and came running like mad to find you."

"But..." protested Severus. _Then, that means...I only imagined Lily? Here I'd thought that maybe she'd forgiven me, that maybe she cared after all. And I'm told I imagined the whole thing. What a pitiful, stupid idiot I am! I've reached a new low. Imagining somebody cares-imagining that she would care!_ To his utter horror, he felt tears begin to fill his eyes.

To make matters even worse, and that was quite a feat, Madam Pomfrey noticed. "I know, it's a scary thing what happened to you. Good that you're lettin' it out like you are."

Severus burned with embarrassment. "Could you...please give me a moment alone?" he managed, and to his relief Madam Pomfrey obliged, looking at him with both pity and understanding as she left.

Alone now, Severus began to cry in earnest. It had been a long while since he last let himself do so. The last time was after his fight with Lily.

He remembered walking, dazed, back to his dormitory and falling onto the bed wondering what had happened. He thought it was a dream. When he realized that he would likely never exchange a kind word with Lily again, Severus had curled up into a tiny ball of anguish and pain and cried.

It was several hours before he was through. After that, he promised himself he would be tougher. Stronger. Less breakable. And he had done well with that; Severus learned how to disconnect from situations that had the potential to matter to him. When things mattered, they could hurt, and when things hurt, then you were weak.

But trauma had a way of undoing his best-laid plans, and now he was sobbing, alone and frightened that he had almost died yet again. That made twice that he'd nearly been killed by the "mischief" of Potter and Black.

What frightened him most is that no one had come to help him-until the person who put him in danger had unwillingly informed a teacher. A teacher, who was bound to help, as it was her responsibility, but who nevertheless had not noticed his absence.

No one had noticed. And it scared Severus.

 _What if something like this happens again? Where will I be then?_ The uncertainty settled in his stomach like a stone.

 _I can't let it happen. I've got to be stronger._

 _Just enough to keep myself safe, that's all._ And Severus fell into an uneasy sleep.

•••••

Snape awoke in that same room. A candle flickered somewhere off to his right, and this time it was Dumbledore sitting there beside him.

"Severus," began Dumbledore, but Snape was sitting up, disconcerted that he had been moved without his knowledge. He paused. Had he moved? Come to think of it, he couldn't remember. He thought he remembered being very cold, and something about McGonagall. Through the window he could see that it was quite dark outside.

His head began to swim. Apparently sitting up had not been a smart move.

Snape registered Dumbledore's voice, repeating his name in an effort, Snape imagined, to get his attention. It wasn't going to work, of course, because Snape couldn't see anything anymore.

Then, darkness. Familiar. Warm.


	4. Chapter Four: Security at Last

**Chapter Four: Security at Last**

He knew that there were Death Eaters at Hogwarts. How could he not, when in fact his closest acquaintances (he refused to call them friends) were part of the group themselves?

As soon as he was released from the infirmary, Severus made up his mind to have them put in a good word for him with their superiors. He did not have to wait long before they eagerly informed him that the higher-ups were "very interested".

"Really, Snape, you could see their faces light up when we told them you were looking into this whole thing," said Mulciber, grinning widely. "They definitely want you. Actually, they said they'd do anything they could to work with you on getting you in!"

Severus smiled softly. "Tell them I'm more than willing to cooperate with whatever they have planned," he said, and Avery gave him a hearty slap on the back. Severus winced, but neither of the other boys noticed.

"Oh, they'll be thrilled," Avery told him, and the instructions arrived so quickly, within the day in fact, that Severus began to believe that might have been true.

 _Imagine, a whole group of people want me. Who would have thought? Certainly not me. Not her either,_ he thought, but he recognized the dangerous path his thoughts were beginning to go down, and shook his head to clear his brain. _Right, I have more important things to look into._ Carefully, Severus opened the seemingly unimportant envelope that Mulciber had slipped him.

He eagerly began reading.

 _Master Severus Snape,_

 _We have been informed that you are interested in joining our group. While we are very eager to have you, we must insist that you wait until after graduation next June to complete your initiation._

A small "What?" escaped Severus's lips. He kept reading, searching for an explanation.

 _If you were to attract unwanted attention while pursuing membership in our group, it could pose problems in allowing you to perform your duties effectively. As you have much potential, we would hate for it to go to waste._

 _For now, provide us with your home address and we will send you further instructions when the time is right._

The letter ended, unsigned. Severus folded it, put it back in its envelope, and muttered " _Incendio._ " He watched it burn and scuffed the ashes into the ground.

•••••

Severus did not miss Hogwarts at all, he discovered. He didn't particularly expect to, as he had just about no fond memories associated with the place. In fact, he was rather surprised that he'd made it out alive, with the almost unceasing attacks on his safety by the Potter gang. He had walked out of Hogwarts with a rare smile, and promptly, without saying goodbye to anyone at all, Apparated to his childhood home.

The place was a wreck. Severus was faced with the daunting reality that he would now be responsible for caring for the ramshackle building, as he would be, for the first time in his life, its only inhabitant.

He had been informed of his parents' untimely death the month before he was to leave Hogwarts. Severus recalled, as he set to work on the house, the man who told him, in a hesitant monotone, that both Eileen and Tobias Snape had been killed in a car accident. He had seemed to expect a more intense reaction from Severus. But he did not receive any-as Severus had practiced, having long anticipated hearing such news, Severus was in tight control of his emotions then. He refused to allow even a gasp to escape in the presence of the twig of a man tasked with informing him.

Once the man was gone, promising to return with any paperwork Severus would need to fill out, Severus lowered himself into a chair. He did not cry.

Instead, he slammed his fist repeatedly onto the table. While tears were not allowed under any condition, anger was acceptable, in limited amounts and certain circumstances. This was one of them. He stopped hitting the table when his hand began to bleed.

Dumbledore had tried to counsel him, to tell him useless platitudes and that it would be alright in the end, and to play his part as a respectful student, Severus pretended to absorb the nonsense. He was fairly certain that Dumbledore never figured out that Severus did not need time to grieve. He did not want it. To take it would be a sign of weakness, of a way under the armor. Something that could be used as a weapon. And Severus needed to be impenetrable, untouchable, impervious to any attack and unfazed by threats.

Showing that you valued something was not wise.

Therefore, Severus did not expend too much effort trying to repair his house; enough to make it livable, and slightly modified for practicality and any unforseen circumstances, but not anything more. He did not want it to become something sentimental. It was merely a living space, after all. Remaining impassionate about everything was essential.

And so it was with a very well-disguised enthusiasm that Severus opened the long-awaited letter addressed to his hovel at Spinner's End.

 _Master Severus Snape,_

 _We appreciate your patience. We trust that you are still interested in pursuing membership in our group, and we have enclosed instructions on how to prepare for initiation. It is absolutely imperative that these instructions are followed; if they are not, the safety of yourself and any of those you hold dear may be compromised. We are, however, sure that you will adhere to the instructions, as we believe you to be truly dedicated to our cause._

 _Three people will Apparate into your home on the evening of 17 July. Remove any wards on the house that would cause them difficulty._

 _You will wear dress robes. You will comply with those sent to bring you to us, including wearing a covering on your head. You will not attempt to figure out your location once you arrive, nor to track in any manner your trip to arrive._

 _Most importantly, you will not lie. You will be punished severely if any deceit is detected._

 _Be prepared, Master Snape._

The letter ended abruptly, as it had before. Severus made sure he was prepared.

•••••

The bag on his head was roughly jerked away, and Severus saw in the cold, dim light that there were many others in the room. All were hooded, and none spoke. He did not raise himself from his knees, but stared ahead of him, keeping his features as smooth and unreadable as ice.

The silence extended for several minutes, then suddenly a hoarse voice whispered, "We shall begin." Severus flinched at the sound.

Then something was in his head. Probing, searching, grasping, asking and looking to find all his secrets, things he had long buried and boxed away. Digging at his defenses, with a painful urgency but a dangerous calmness, the Legilimens scoured Severus's mind. It found many things.

But nothing that Severus did not want it to find.

The memories and thoughts of his family stayed buried deep. Severus found it strange that he had hidden them-he wasn't supposed to care, anymore-but to unearth them now would inform the Dark Lord, who undoubtedly was the one conducting this examination, that Severus was capable of hiding things from him. That would be suicide. So they remained closed off.

As countless images from his past floated before him, Severus realized that something else was missing. Rather, someone else...concealing his thoughts carefully, he recognized the absent face. _Lily Evans._

 _Why have I hidden her?_ he asked himself secretly. _She means nothing to me. She despises me, and I am apathetic towards her._

But something pricked inside of him at that. _It's a lie,_ whispered the unwanted voice that was so familiar, _that's a lie, and you know it._

 _Otherwise, why would this voice sound like her?_

Severus's eyes would have widened then, but he did not let them. He was still shut down, still being inspected. These were dangerous thoughts to dwell on while someone else was in his mind, and he resolved to address them later, when he was safer-not entirely safe, of course, for that he would never be again.

Then the Legilimens asked him a question, the same breathy voice echoing inside Severus's mind: " _Why do you seek me out?_ "

Severus answered, " _You are powerful._ "

" _And do you desire my power?_ "

This was a trap. " _No, my Lord. I merely desire to follow the one most powerful._ "

" _So, then, if there were to be a more powerful wizard than I, would you abandon me?_ "

" _My Lord, there shall never be one more powerful._ "

The voice fell silent after that. Severus felt the Dark Lord was satisfied with his responses. The probing, however, did not cease.

After a time that Severus could not measure, the Legilimens retreated, pulling out of his brain at long last. The hoarse voice whispered again, "The examination is finished. You have done well, Severus. You have hidden nothing, and we will reward you for your honesty. Death Eaters, tonight you shall have a new brother!"

There was a burst of applause that was rapidly shushed as the Dark Lord extended his fragile arm from the shadows.

"Bare your left arm," he commanded, and Severus raised his sleeve.

The Dark Lord picked up a branding iron, and held it over a flame kindled near him. "You have endured much pain, Severus...this shall be the last you must bear without exacting your revenge." Severus did not know what to say, or even what to feel, and so he nodded.

When the brand touched his skin, he did not wince or scream. He was accustomed to such pain. The Dark Lord seemed pleased with this.

The brand was removed, and on Severus's arm there writhed a black snake, entwined around a skull. Slowly, it ceased its movement. Severus got the sense that the Dark Lord was controlling it.

"Death Eaters," said the voice, "Welcome your new brother, Severus!" The applause began again, raucous and enthusiastic, and Severus stood up silently. From the shadows, Lucius Malfoy ran to him.

"I had my eyes on you for a long time, Severus," he purred. "I knew I was right."

Severus nodded again. "Thank you for your confidence."

When he at last returned to the building he, for convenience's sake, called "home", Severus sat down heavily in a chair and rested his chin in his hands. The examination had indeed gone well; he had succeeded. He was a Death Eater now, intimidating, strong-powerful. He now had connections. No one would dare cross him.

But he knew that too was a lie. There would, if anything, be more people trying to cross him now than before. He was powerful to an extent, but within the Death Eaters he was nothing, merely the new recruit. The pawn, made to be sacrificed. He would have to watch his back even more carefully now. The kind of people he now associated with were not known for their mercy.

And Severus sat, and thought, as the winds blew outside, about the voice he had heard during the examination. Lily's voice.

When, after a while, he had produced no answer as to why he had heard it, Severus decided to bury it, as he had buried many things. Perhaps her memory did not need to be entirely expunged; she had, after all, given him some happiness when he was a child. Perhaps she could be filed away with everything else. Perhaps she could remain.

But, under no circumstances, could she matter. _She must be a childhood relic, a fond memory of youth, but nothing more. Anything beyond that, and she is dangerous. Deadly._

 _I cannot have any weaknesses._

 _I have to be strong._

With those resolutions, the new Death Eater rose and went to bed, but he did not fall asleep until many hours later.


	5. Chapter Five: A Father's Influence

**Chapter Five: A Father's Influence**

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING MATERIAL. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

Life fell into a new pattern for Severus. Most of his time was spent at Headquarters, which he had been allowed to learn the location of after his initiation. He had a small, tidy little room to himself, which became his laboratory of sorts. Severus, always more than happy to avoid company, daily retreated to his room to brew the potions requested of him.

They weren't simple ones: many days he found requests for Polyjuice potion and Veritaserum awaiting him when he Apparated in. Though exhausting to brew, Severus loved the challenge. It was good to train one's endurance, he reasoned, and there was nothing more exacting and precise than potions work.

He even began, slowly, to enjoy his days again; the last time he could remember feeling genuinely happy was before...everything. _Before that blasted school ruined it all._ It was a relief not to wake up and face the hated faces of Hogwarts.

It was on one of these seemingly normal days, midwinter now and bitingly cold, that Severus Apparated to his room and found someone waiting for him. He was not expecting company.

A large man, shrouded in a dark cloak, stood staring at Severus with a menacing look in his eyes. "May I help you?" asked Severus, keeping his uncertainty out of his voice and managing his usual harsh inflection.

"Oh," began the man, whose name Severus did not know, "I'm not here fer much in particular. Jus' wanted ta check up on ye and make certain ye were doin' yer job." There was a veiled threat hidden within his words, and it did not slip past Severus.

But he said nothing, and merely pointed to the door. When the man did not move, Severus snapped, "I can hardly brew the potions I am expected to with an oaf such as yourself standing in the way. In case you missed it somehow, the door is that way."

The man drew himself up to his full height and towered over Severus. Massive and muscular compared to Severus's thin frame and relatively small stature, the stranger looked as if he might snap Severus in half. If it weren't for the latter's reputation for savage hexes, he most certainly would have. But, to Severus's relief, the intimidating Death Eater stormed out of the room.

Severus realized the man reminded him of his father: physically more powerful than himself, frightening, and accustomed to using violence. _Perhaps I should put up some wards around my room,_ thought Severus. _But no. My superiors will suspect something._

He shivered, blamed it on the cold, and buried himself in concocting another potion.

•••••

Over the next month, Severus received several visits from the man. There was hardly a word exchanged between them usually, but one day, the man began to seem interested in what was going into the potions.

"So," he coughed, his rough voice shattering Severus's precious silence, "what kinda eye is that yer handlin' there?"

"Newt," responded Severus in a monotone, without looking up.

"How many o' those do ye use in a week?"

"It depends."

"Well, just see to it that ye don't take an...excess of 'em. It'd be a real shame if ye were found to be hoardin' supplies we acquired fer yer work here and usin' 'em fer yerself." As he spoke, the man moved up close behind Severus. Severus could feel his breath on his neck, and resisted the urge to shrink away from the man. He had experience with this, he reminded himself, he was used to it.

 _Be strong. Tobias is dead, and so is his power over me._

Severus turned and stood tall as he could, letting a hint of anger into his eyes. It was a cold anger, the dangerous kind that spoke of something behind it, something deadly. All the curses Severus knew swirled in his brain, swimming into his eyes and making the jet black irises glint fiercely.

"I don't recall asking for your supervision. Get out, unless you want the Dark Lord to be informed that the work of his potions master is being inhibited. That's not something you'd want to be responsible for, I'm sure." Sharply, he turned and bent over his cauldron, listening with a small satisfaction as the heavy footsteps of the man receded.

For another few weeks or so, the man left him be. Severus welcomed the return to the familiar pattern of solitude. He rather enjoyed having only his potions for company: they were predictable, easy to understand, and he was good at making them. What more could he want? The soft bubbles of the cauldrons as they simmered were all the conversation he needed.

He began staying later and later. Severus didn't particularly want to go back to Spinner's End each night. It was too full of memories and too empty of hope. At least at Headquarters, there were things to do, thoughts to entertain himself with. Spinner's End was dilapidated and the air was filled with pain and dark ghosts of the past. Severus preferred the present. He could get into a comfortable rhythm with the present. It let him get kind of numb.

Headquarters was rather empty as he added the final touches to one of his cauldrons. Just a little more stirring, and he'd be able to leave it to brew overnight. Then Severus heard muffled footsteps in the hall, and his entire body tensed. _No one should be coming down this way. Who...?_

But he didn't have the chance to wonder any longer, as a black frame filled the doorway. The shape of it was, at this point, familiar.

"Ah," said Severus, "you again. I can't say I'm pleased to see you. What do you want? I was hoping to get home soon." He held himself with an air of irritation, hoping the man would take the hint and leave.

Instead, the man stepped closer, threateningly. "Ye won't be getting home any time soon, Snape," he rumbled. Severus's mind started blaring alarm signals. This seemed too familiar, and Severus had learned as a child to pay attention to the warning signs.

He backed up. A mistake, as the man advanced and by doing so trapped Severus in the room. Severus braced himself against the counter, reminding himself to remain calm. Most of all, he repeated over and over, _Be strong._

Severus struggled not to let his fear show on his face. "What do you want?" he snapped.

"Yer a cocky lad, Snape," spat the man. "Somebody oughta teach ye a lesson. Luckily enough, that somebody is me." He strode over to Severus, who was pressed against the counter, and loomed over him.

"But not jist any lesson," he snarled. "Yer too slender ta take a beatin' and not show it. And like ye said, I wouldn't want ta be accused of injurin' the potion master, now would I?"

Severus was rigid. His brain was constricting with panic, like it did when he was young and he didn't know how to stop his mother's screams.

"No," the man said softly, his voice taking on a dangerously smooth tone, "not just any lesson." He lifted Severus's chin, stroking it gently.

Severus's heart began to race. _What's happening? What do I do?_

Then the man shoved him roughly up against the wall, pinning Severus's arms above his head with only one of his massive hands. With the other, he lifted Severus's robes. Then he began pulling at the clothing underneath.

It was then that Severus fully understood what was going on. He began to struggle, kicking and writhing, anything to get away from the man. "Stop!" he screamed. "Stop! Let go of me!" The man slammed him against the wall again, jarring him.

"There's no one here, Snape. No one can hear ye. Struggle all ye like-it's pointless!" And he started ripping at Severus's clothes again.

Severus was nearly frozen. Nothing was coming to mind, he was as confused and terrified as he was at ten years old when his father would torture him with a belt. It was the same, it was the same as before, he was not stronger and he was helpless.

Then the man groped him. Severus felt sick as the stranger's hand grabbed and fondled him, sick enough to vomit. He was being defiled-this had never happened before.

That was it: it had never happened before. The realization shattered the spell keeping Severus motionless; not a physical spell, but a mental one, a reliving of the past. _This isn't the same. This isn't my father. I'm not eleven, I know how to defend myself!_ Suddenly, a spell leapt to mind.

 _Sectumsempra!_ The nonverbal curse slashed into the face of the stranger, slicing open his cheek. He yelled in shocked pain, and Severus cast it again, and again while his tormentor was down, cutting his face and those horrible hands.

Blood gushed down the man's torn face, collecting into puddles on the floor. He was screaming, but Severus didn't hear it.

"HOW DARE YOU," he raged, fury and hatred burning toward the heap of a man on the ground, "HOW DARE YOU THINK TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF WHAT IS NOT YOURS?!" Again he cast the spell, cutting open his attacker's chest. The man screamed anew.

"AM I SOME TOY FOR YOU TO USE HOW YOU LIKE?!" Severus was losing control, but he didn't care. He was the one who had power in this situation; he was stronger, and he needed to make sure the man new it. Another red gash appeared on the man's torso.

"BLEED, YOU SWINE," shrieked Severus. "YOU DESERVE TO DIE LIKE THE PIG YOU ARE!" With that, the largest fissure yet opened across the bloodied chest. The man gasped, and after a moment, his head dropped to the floor into the pool of his blood.

Severus's whole body was wracked with spasms, and he rapidly sank to the ground against the wall, holding himself tightly in as small a ball as he could manage.

 _I've just killed a man,_ he thought, horror tearing at his stomach, _I'm a murderer. I'm worse than my father, I'm worse than this man, I'm an abomination!_ His body continued to shake, and he fought to stop the convulsions.

 _Maybe the man's not dead yet, maybe he's just in shock from blood loss,_ Severus thought, a spark of desperate hope filling his chest, but as he looked again at the mangled form on his floor, he knew it was not true. The body was torn, and the face was utterly unrecognizable.

 _How did I let myself lose control so entirely?_ Severus sat against the wall, fighting off the shock. _I was just like him._ The thought chorused over and over: _I'm just like my father._

Severus rocked slowly back and forth, and his thoughts gradually regained some coherence. _I can never let this happen again. It's too dangerous-I have to control myself, control my fear, control my emotions._

 _In the end, I'll be stronger that way. A weapon is most effective when wielded with precision, and a strategist most clever when his mind is clear._ The logic of his thoughts comforted him, and he rose, shaking still, but calmer.

Severus began to cast spells to do away with the body and the blood. When it was finished, he Apparated home, and stared for a long while at the ceiling.

Now there were ghosts at Headquarters, too.

 _Everything good is ruined eventually,_ Severus thought, resignation beginning to settle in his gut. _I ruin it all._

The next day, when Severus Apparated to his rooms, the cleanness of the floor unnerved him. He could feel the bad memories floating in the air; the peaceful routine at Headquarters had indeed been irreparably spoiled.

He did not enjoy his work.


End file.
